No More Beer

Ah, Istanbul, where East meets West, secularism struggles with tradition, men battle with deodorant, and carpet salesmen harrass me everytime I walk down the street. Do I look like I can afford a giant, fucking carpet? I haven't shaved in a month and my laundry is done in grimy hostel sinks. Do you think a carpet is really high on my priority list? Maybe they have some exotic fish or farm equipment I can take a look at as well. Idiots. Aside from that Istanbul is a wicked city and takes a week to really explore. I met an old hippy from Oregon (who worked in the porn industry for 30 years and had great stories) and an Aussie girl at my hostel and hung out with them for awhile. It was good times.
I went shopping with the Aussie girl one day and was looking for some cheap pants because it's getting colder and I have nothing but shorts. We found a store and this is how ıt went:

Aussie girl: You should get these ones.
Bouche: Yeah they look cheap. I suck at haggling though.
AG: Let me do it, I love shopping.
B: Sweet, thanks. (To the shop lady) How much are these pants?
Turkish lady: $54
B: (Chuckles and motions for my friend to take over)
AG: C'mon now, that's ridiculous.
TL: These are good pants! Ok,Ok. Maybe $52.
AG: $51!
TL: OK!
B: What?!
AG:(Gives me a wink and pats me on the back) See?
TL: (To her friend) Allah akbar, durka durka durka. (I dont speak Turkish but I know she was laughing and calling me a douchebag)
B:(Gritting my teeth, I hand over the money) Here you are.
TL: (Trying not to laugh) Thank you.
(We walk out)
B: You didn't buy anything?
AG: Nah, that place was waaaay too expensive.


So don't let people barter for you. After a few days, I hopped on a bus for the Aegean coast. Buses in Turkey are surprisingly good. They give you drinks and stuff and they usually have tons of leg room. One thing I've discovered though, is that farting on a bus while listening to an ipod is trouble. This is because you have no idea how loud the fart was and dont know if people heard it. I always seem to forget this and so after I fart, I get this terrified expression on my face. Everyone of course then knows who farted as Im the only one looking guiltier than a priest at a Cub Scouts meeting. I was not popular with my fellow passengers.
I stopped at a few places down the coast including Gallipoli (the site of a famous WWI battle), Ephesus (ancient city ruins) and Pamukkale (a weird white mountain thing formed by calcium deposits). Gallipoli was beautiful, and interesting not so much for the WWI battle between Aussie/Kiwi troops and Turks that took place there, as for the tearful, embarrassing reactions that Aussies get when they visit. This battle took place 92 years ago. Not one Aussie I was with had any relatives that fought in it. I'm sure it was tragic when it happened, but you don't see me blinking back tears whenever someone mentions the Louis Riel rebellion.
Anyways, after all that I went on a 'Blue' cruise in the mediterranean for 4 days. That was really relaxing (not that I'm in need of relaxation) and I had a pretty cool group of people with me. We basically just swam and read and ate for 4 days. Trying to be cool one day, I swam under the boat and managed to cut my foot on some barnacles. It is now swollen and I think it's infected. And I am still not cool. I was with a bunch of girls and a couple guys from Singapore so I always had plenty of food, which was sweet. One of the Singapore guys (Singaporeans?) didn't speak English and couldn't swim. He spent the cruise bobbing up and down in the water with a lifejacket on, staring off into the distance with a goofy smile on his face. I liked him. Our captain was this short, hairy, round Turkish man with one of the best mustaches I have ever seen. He spent his days napping and poking people in the ribs and giggling. He was the closest I have come to falling in love with another man.
After the cruise I felt I needed to relax some more so I went to Olympos and lay on the beach for 2 days, having a few beers and doing Sudoku. I stayed in an actual treehouse in this hippy commune thing for cheap. The downside was there was this ugly duck who seemed to think he owned my treehouse and hissed at me everytime I tried to go inside. 'Listen duck,' I said to the duck, 'Fuck off or I'll kick you.' The next morning, the duck cock-a-doodle-doed outside my door, starting a good 3 hours before dawn and lasting until 2 hours past it (Thinking back, it was more likely a rooster than a duck. Im not very good with birds). I tried but failed to kick the duckrooster.
The next stop was Cappadocchia, which is an area of central Turkey with crazy caves and rock formations that İ can't really describe so İ won't try. And now I'm in Eastern Turkey, which is very different from the rest of Turkey. İ'm only here for a few hours though because after 6 weeks of planning and over $200 in visa fees, İ'm heading to Iran. It's good timing to be going to a country where they don't have beer because with the beer gut İ have developed, İ'm beginning to look like İ'm in my second trimester.

Bouche



P.S. If I meet one more girl from Melbourne who is working in London, has worked in London, or is heading to London to find work, I'm coming home. The last 9 people I have met have been from Melbourne.