I did not time my trip to Iran very well apparently. During Ramazan, it is illegal to smoke, eat or drink anything from sunrise to sunset, making for some very lethargic and quick-tempered days. There are a few places that serve food 'under the table' so I managed to eat a couple blackmarket pizzas from time to time, but I usually had to buy food and eat it in a disgusting squat toilet like the filthy infidel that I am. Ramazan was a good oppurtunity though to confuse locals by asking them if they had decorated their Ramazan tree yet or what they were asking Mohammed for Ramazan this year.
Iran isn't the most exciting place in the world but it is pretty interesting. The people are amazing, by far the friendliest, most hospitable people I have met. I actually had to flee towns in the middle of the night because they kept insisting that I stay with them and eat their food. It was a little awkward sometimes when they wanted me to sponsor their immigration to Canada though. One guy in particular was a huge ex-boxer who acted out Condoleeza Rice and Ariel Sharon making out while he jabbered at me in Farsi about the Zionist occupiers. I usually just agreed to sponser them and gave them some of your email addresses and phone numbers. It should be funny to see how that turns out.
After hanging out in a city near the Turkish border called Tabriz for a couple days, I went to Tehran. Tehran is huge and filthy. It does have some really good Death to America/Israel propaganda all over the city though. I hung out with some Aussie idiot for a day who kept referring to EVERYTHING as fantastic. Like, his fantastic egg and dry bread breakfast, his fantastic time exchanging money that morning, and his fantastic new white shirt. I refrained from giving him a fantastic punch to the nose and left Tehran for Esfahan.
Esfahan is a really nice city with huge mosques and bridges and parks and squares blah blah blah. I was here for Qod's day, which is the Iranian holiday in support of the Palestinians. They had a huge anti-US/anti-Israel demonstration in the main square, with a banner over the main gate suggesting that Israel be wiped off the map. I quickly swallowed the rest of my bagel, took off my yarmulke and joined in the 'Down with USA! Down with Israel!' chants. The square was packed with angry Iranians but I managed to get to where they were burning Bush, Rice and generic Israeli dolls and we all had a good time smashing the effigies with sticks. I got a few stares. A few people came up and talked to me, asking about where I was from, what I thought of Bush, my religion etc. They really like tourists and are big fans of Christianity but became less enamoured with me when I told them my own personal theory of God not existing. I found this ended a lot of conversations. I wish it ended the following conversation I had with some guy in a park in Shiraz:
(Guy sees me, comes over, sits down next to me)
Iranian guy: Hello!
Bouche: Hello
IG: Where are you from?
B: Canada.
IG: Ah! Very good. Welcome to Iran.
B: Thank you.
IG: Do you have boyfriend in Canada?
B: You mean a girlfriend?
IG: Ah, girlfriend. I have 4 girlfriends.
B: Wow, not bad.
IG: And 10 boyfriends.
B: Pardon?
IG: Boyfriend for suck, girlfriend for fuck (Uses gestures for my benefit).
B: Oh, pretty good system I guess. It even rhymes.
IG: Yes. You boyfriend?
B: (I pretend not to understand) So, you are from Shiraz?
IG: Yes but can't go to my home because parents are home, park is better.
B: Better for what?
IG: (Makes vague gesture at his pants)
B: What? I don't know wh-- Oh. I see you have an erection. Awesome. Nice erection.
IG: (Shrugs, looks at me like something has to be done about it)
B: Ok. Did I mention I don't believe in God?
IG: I don't care about God.
B: Dammit. Ok, well I should get going. (Start to get up)
IG: It's big and beautiful.
B: Is it? Well, good for you. (I quickly walk away).
I avoided parks for the rest of my time in Iran. So after a couple weeks of mosques, deserts, kebabs, and conversations in broken English about the existence of a higher power, I made my way back to Istanbul. If I compared my trip to a sexual encounter, China would be an awkward makeout, Russia, Ukraine and Bosnia would be some intense foreplay, and Iran would be an orgasm. The short time after Iran, which consisted of a 30-hour bus ride, 2 flights and a night in a London airport Burger King, would be sleepy and flaccid. And now I'm home.
Bouche
P.S. Somebody give me a job please.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment