All By Myself

It's been awhile since the last email, it's because nothing has really happened in the last month and a bit. I guess it was Easter back home, not many people celebrating Christ's somewhat suspicious resurrection over here. Which is kind of weird because you would think the Japanese would be killing themselves over cute, little rabbits and their sweet chocolate eggs. I also hear playoff fever has hit Vancouver, I'm still waiting for it to hit here. I don't have high hopes however, as no one in my town knows about the Canucks, hockey, English, or what the hell a Canada is.
The new school year just started here in Japan and, after numerous complaints from parents who had gone home, looked at a dictionary, and discovered what a "hexagon" was, and that that's all their child could say in English, my company revamped our curriculum. It's not much better. I've also realized, much to my disappointment, that after 10 months of teaching these kids, most of them still don't know my name. 10 months. I am, without a doubt, the only big, white guy in their lives and they can't remember my name. I wear a fucking nametag. So, I have somewhat abandoned the new curriculum and have been running classes based solely on learning my name.On the urine front, not much to report. The same kid who peed himself last month did it again. He never tells me or makes any sign that he is about to let loose, it just happens. This time though, he must have really had to go because it didn't just go down his leg like what normally happens when one pees themselves, it exploded out of his pockets, lightly splashing other students. I've never seen anything like it and I was quite impressed, much more so than his fellow, slightly wet classmates. He didn't even cry this time, just walked to the bathroom with his head down. The students in the next class did not buy my theory that the wet, smelly stain in the middle of the classroom was from rain. Another student dropped her nametag in the toilet, tragically after she had done her business. She brought me over and pointed at it, pleading at me with her eyes. I pointed at it too, and then at her. She sighed and grabbed it. I rinsed it off and put it back on her. She was not happy the rest of class.
Four new teachers arrived in my area over the last month and a half and I was, as expected, disappointed four times. One guy is older, and seems pretty socially inept. He told me straight out that he was the cheapest person he knows. Not a good sign. He has actually started making coffee with hot water from his shower because he thinks his gas stove will be too expensive. I almost told him that he is using gas to heat the shower water too but I figure its funnier this way. A new couple came to replace Sami and Alex and they are not cool. I hate to sound like some Grade 8 kid but these two are huge nerds. All they want to do is talk about Japanese anime and play video games. Not even the cool ones. They came to Japan because there are different video games here. Finally, I met the newest guy yesterday. He is Swedish but Asian. Horribly disappointing. What's the point? I mean, if you tell someone you're Swedish, they're going to want someone who looks Swedish. I dont think I'm going to be able to get over this enough to hang out with this guy. So I might be getting to know myself quite well over the next couple months.
My knee still isn't better so I went to this guy who claimed to be a "sports medicine specialist". What an experience. The diploma on his wall was from some Chiropractic college in Orange County. He asked me if it was OK to write Dr. before his name on my health insurance sheet. After confidently dismissing the diagnosis the Japanese doctor (actual doctor with a degree and everything) had given me and all the overwhelming online research I had done confirming said diagnosis, he came up with the following theory. I had some "skin reflex disorder" and that, to mend my knee, I had to flick my nose, lips, nipples and groin in a downward motion (he emphasized this, not upward). That's all. I didn't know what to say. The best thing was he was just brimming with confidence about it. Anyways, needless to say, my knee is still fucked, despite my best attempts to molest myself in a downward motion. So I'm still swimming and have befriended an old Japanese man in a wheelchair there as he was the only one not scared to talk to me. Unfortunately, he must have been some crazy, Nazi swimming instructor when he was younger because he has taken it upon himself to perfect my form whether I like it or not. He screams at me in Japanese from the pool deck as I'm swimming. As long as I don't drown and that spry, 80 year old Japanese woman in my lane doesn't overtake me, I don't care what my form is like. He definitely does though and I don't think our friendship is strong enough to overcome this problem.
Apparently the city hall two blocks from my house has been offering free Japanese lesssons the whole time I have lived here. This would have been valuable 10 months ago but I'm still glad I found them. The teachers are all old, Japanese women and they fucking love me. This isn't to do so much with my rugged good looks and dazzling personality as it is with the fact that I'm the only student who speaks English, everyone else is Korean or Chinese. So they fight each other over who gets to teach me so that they can practice their English and I'm usually surrounded by 4 or 5 of them. It's very funny. I get loaded up with tea and snacks and everyone laughs at my jokes and wants me to meet their families. The lesson:

Japanese Woman 1: So, how do you like Japan?
Bouche: It's great, the people are very nice. Great food.
JW1: (Beaming) That's good. Where are you from?
JW2: America?
B: No, Canada.
JW2: (Confused look) Um, so.....America?
JW1: No you idiot, they are different. America owns Canada.
JW2: Oh, I see. That's nice of them.
B: Well, actually...
JW1: I've been to Canada, you should talk to me today. I went to Vancouver.
JW3: Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.
JW1: (Concealed anger) Yes, I think he has enough teachers, maybe another student needs you?
JW3: Nope, everyone else is ok. I've been to Vancouver too.
B: That's where I'm from.
(Explosion of gasps and chattering)
JW2: I've been to Los Angeles.
JW1: Yes, well thats very nice. Anyways, Vancouver is very pretty.
B: Thank you. We have lots of bears though, they often eat babies.
JW2: Oh my god. That is too bad.
JW1: (To the other women) Are you still here? (To me) Japan is very safe.
B: Actually I was joking, Canada is safe too.
(Everyone laughs)
JW1: You are very funny. And good-looking. And tall.
JW3: You eyes are blue! (Communal gasp)
JW2: I heard that blue eyes can't see white like Japanese eyes.
B: Yes, I've heard that too.
JW4: Can you use chopsticks?
JW1: Where did you come from? Go teach someone else.
B: Yes I can. I studied at university.
JW1: You are very skilled at Japanese ways. You will come to my house to meet my family.
B: Um...
JW2: Yes, you will come to my house too. I will make you food.
JW1: I will make you more food. And I have a dog. You will come to my house first.

And so on. Sorry, I didnt know how to end that. Anyways, I should wrap this up. It's warmer now and I have lots of vacations coming up. I really hope the Canucks don't win the Cup while I'm in Japan. Have fun with exams,

Bouche