almost as many UN personnel as there are locals. Aussie peacekeepers, Portuguese National Military police, international police troops, and tons of NGO do-gooders ride around the streets of Dili in UN vehicles. Independence has not been a "smooth" transition for ET. Third thing is that everything here costs the same as in Canada. I go to poor countries because I'm a thrifty Scot, and ET tricked us.We checked into the only "backpackers hostel" in ET
and were told that we would be paying $14 for a "dorm room", and given keys for the room that suspiciously had "Staff Room" written on them. It was not a staff room we soon realized, but a windowless closet in which a bunkbed had been placed. Imagine sleeping in that room.The staff was really nice but they didn't have a great system for late-night entries. They locked the gates at 10:30pm every night (standard procedure in ET), and so we asked how we would get in if we came back after. "Oh just hop the fence," was the reply. We looked at the fence. It was 9 feet high and topped with razor-wire. "You mean the fence that is specifically designed to prevent people from "hopping" it?" we asked. "No," he explained, "there is a section in the middle where its just barbed wire. Kinda trampled down." And so there was. Lucky we are so athletically gifted it wasn't a problem for us. Honestly though, the richest man (or woman, but definitely man) in ET has got to be a barbed wire wholesaler.
ET has some great diving and we booked some trips for the following week. We then ran into Nina. Nina was a ex-marine from Angola who was blinged out and told us that she had trained some of the Aussie troops in ET how to shoot weapons, that everyone knew her in ET, and that she had a gun in her purse. We trusted her completely. She promised to get us into a party at the Portuguese military compound the next night.
That night, we met a furious Nina at the bar who was threatening some local chick at the next table for vague reasons. She had to get talked down by some Aussie guy she knew (this guy later informed us we should lose Nina immediately, and that she would try to steal from us). But she did get us into the compound party, and then left us alone, so it worked out pretty well.
The party was kinda surreal, we walked past armoured personnel carriers and military satellites to find a dance floor with a DJ and bar and everything. There were Caporeira fighter/dancers, fire dancers, guys with guns, diplomats, and lots of douchey, beefy portuguese soldiers with v-neck shirts. We did not fit in with flip-flops and beards. We are beefy in a different way. But we got pretty drunk there and it was fun noticing the skeptical disdainful looks we kept getting.
The next day we rented a 4WD to go up into the mountains. After a night at a "guesthouse", we tried to find ET's highest mountain. In no way did we get lost and give up half-way. The summit we "climbed" was undoubtedly the highest mountain in ET. It was pretty foggy anyways so shut up. Up here (or anywhere outside of Dili) the locals are basically subsistence farmers and we were gawked at pretty good. Very friendly people though. On the way back, we saw some local guy walking and offered him a lift to the
The next day we rented a 4WD to go up into the mountains. After a night at a "guesthouse", we tried to find ET's highest mountain. In no way did we get lost and give up half-way. The summit we "climbed" was undoubtedly the highest mountain in ET. It was pretty foggy anyways so shut up. Up here (or anywhere outside of Dili) the locals are basically subsistence farmers and we were gawked at pretty good. Very friendly people though. On the way back, we saw some local guy walking and offered him a lift to the 
nearest town. We got there, and then he suggested we take him all the way to Dili. We shrugged and agreed, and he sat in the back seat and learned all about Wu-Tang and The Red Hot Chili Peppers. He rewarded us by puking all over the side of our truck near the end of our journey. He refused to get out and puke, we don't think he trusted us not to drive off. So he just passively dribbled vomit down the side of our truck. It was gross.
The week was spent diving around Dili which we unfortunately had to do with a group of middle-aged Aussie guys. From this experience, I learned that Darwin must be like Fort McMurray but without all the culture, and that our Aussie divemaster seemed to think that our local driver spoke Spanish. We were also exposed to multitudes of small, naked East Timorese boys who made us uncomfortable by swimming at the dive sites and thrusting their penises at us. Some decided to climb on Ryley when he exited the water which was quite amusing for Bouche. In general the diving was pretty sweet with great coral and visibility.
Our exit out of ET was not graceful. 10 days into the trip, I lost my camera. I have no idea how. I took a picture, got into a cab, got out of the cab, walked 10 feet, realized I didn't have it, and ran back to the cab. Completely gone. So it takes between 5-25 seconds for a camera to get scooped on the streets of Dili. Then we found out that we needed an Indonesian visa for a land border crossing, and that we didn't have time to get one, so we had to buy a plane ticket to Bali. 10 days in one of the poorest countries in the world cost me over $2000.
We got to Bali and tried to find a place for the night. Fan rooms were 1500, A/C rooms were 2000. This was our negotiation at Hotel Rita:
Ryley: Can we see a fan room?
Indo Lady: All fan rooms gone. But A/C room with only fan OK, 1500.
Bouche: OK, let's see.
(Go into the room, turn on the fan, it barely rotates)
IL: OK, so you take?
B: How about better price on A/C room?
IL: 2000.
R: That is the original price.
IL: Aieee! OK, wait. (She goes talks to her boss). OK, A/C room 1700.
B: That's better, I'm sure -
IL: But no A/C.
R: What?
IL: Room 5 is A/C room, but for 1700, no use A/C.
B: Not really an A/C room then is it?
IL: Yes room 5 is A/C room.
B: The defining feature of an A/C room is the -
R: Forget it, let's just go.
IL: OK, OK (Runs talks to boss). OK. You can have A/C room for 1700 with A/C.
B: Well, OK then.
IL: But has to be room 3.
R: Alright, let's go to room 3.
(We go to room 3, looks the same as room 5).
IL: OK 1700 but you pay now and no complaints.
R: What?
IL: If you complain about room, no get money back.
B: (Looking around suspiciously) Why would we complain about this room? What happens to people in this room?
IL: (Shrugs)
R: If I were to complain about this room, what would I complain about?
IL: Aieee! Nothing, A/C goes "tick tick", little dripping.
B: Alright, doesn't sound too bad.
Later that night when I tried to have a shower, I discovered that there was no running water.
So then I went off to the Komodo Islands for some diving. I met up with a nerdy US investment banker and a tragically boring British woman who ended every sentence with an insane upwards inflection, like she was about to sneeze. We found a 4 day liveaboard on a boat owned by Frou-Frou, a German with shoulder length blond hair and pink-tinted sunglasses. It was a sick boat, and the diving was incredible. Sea turtles, sharks, rays, other huge ass fish on basically every dive.
The company was a little lacking though. For example, Frou-Frou was talking about when he lived in Africa, and the British woman mentioned she would like to go there. Frou-Frou said he never wanted to go back. When asked why not, he replied, "I don't like niggers." He then added, in a sing-sing voice, "Niggers, niggers, niggers". I agreed that he should not go back to Africa. He did have a cute baby on board, who was very entertaining. Especially when he got a mustache from drinking a mango lassi and Frou-Frou exclaimed, "Look, we can make baby Hitler!" and shortened the mustache. Then he was able to make the baby give a Nazi-like salute. Oh how we laughed, uncomfortably. Great dive trip overall though.
We got to Bali and tried to find a place for the night. Fan rooms were 1500, A/C rooms were 2000. This was our negotiation at Hotel Rita:
Ryley: Can we see a fan room?
Indo Lady: All fan rooms gone. But A/C room with only fan OK, 1500.
Bouche: OK, let's see.
(Go into the room, turn on the fan, it barely rotates)
IL: OK, so you take?
B: How about better price on A/C room?
IL: 2000.
R: That is the original price.
IL: Aieee! OK, wait. (She goes talks to her boss). OK, A/C room 1700.
B: That's better, I'm sure -
IL: But no A/C.
R: What?
IL: Room 5 is A/C room, but for 1700, no use A/C.
B: Not really an A/C room then is it?
IL: Yes room 5 is A/C room.
B: The defining feature of an A/C room is the -
R: Forget it, let's just go.
IL: OK, OK (Runs talks to boss). OK. You can have A/C room for 1700 with A/C.
B: Well, OK then.
IL: But has to be room 3.
R: Alright, let's go to room 3.
(We go to room 3, looks the same as room 5).
IL: OK 1700 but you pay now and no complaints.
R: What?
IL: If you complain about room, no get money back.
B: (Looking around suspiciously) Why would we complain about this room? What happens to people in this room?
IL: (Shrugs)
R: If I were to complain about this room, what would I complain about?
IL: Aieee! Nothing, A/C goes "tick tick", little dripping.
B: Alright, doesn't sound too bad.
Later that night when I tried to have a shower, I discovered that there was no running water.
So then I went off to the Komodo Islands for some diving. I met up with a nerdy US investment banker and a tragically boring British woman who ended every sentence with an insane upwards inflection, like she was about to sneeze. We found a 4 day liveaboard on a boat owned by Frou-Frou, a German with shoulder length blond hair and pink-tinted sunglasses. It was a sick boat, and the diving was incredible. Sea turtles, sharks, rays, other huge ass fish on basically every dive.
The company was a little lacking though. For example, Frou-Frou was talking about when he lived in Africa, and the British woman mentioned she would like to go there. Frou-Frou said he never wanted to go back. When asked why not, he replied, "I don't like niggers." He then added, in a sing-sing voice, "Niggers, niggers, niggers". I agreed that he should not go back to Africa. He did have a cute baby on board, who was very entertaining. Especially when he got a mustache from drinking a mango lassi and Frou-Frou exclaimed, "Look, we can make baby Hitler!" and shortened the mustache. Then he was able to make the baby give a Nazi-like salute. Oh how we laughed, uncomfortably. Great dive trip overall though.
Dear East Timor - Advice for a Fledgling Country:
1. Do not try to kill your children.
This one seems obvious but maybe no one has told you. I know kids can be annoying, seemingly useless, and expensive to feed, but they are important for ensuring
that there is an East Timor after you die. Seatbelts are obviously a few years off, but we can start by not transporting your children to school on the roofs of large trucks. Yes, they can probably "hold on", but I doubt they can do this after colliding with another, large truck. I really wish I hadn't lost my camera so I could show a pic of this scene.
Also, this is a recipe for disaster:
What happens is that the children play in the garbage water, and then the water gets backed up (because of all the garbage), and when the rains come, it bursts open, washing all of the children (good thing) into the ocean (bad thing). Especially since most children can't swim and have, as one dive instructor told us, "heavy bones". This leads me to my next piece of advice.
2. Learn to swim.
You are an island nation. You are literally surrounded by danger at all times if you don't do this.
3. Choose your Western friends wisely.
Having the Portuguese and the Aussies as your major influences is not a good start. This can only lead you to becoming douchey convicts with shaved chests, v-necks and retarded accents.
4. Get off the US currency and adjust your prices.
Curry chicken and rice, with a mango lassi should not cost me $10 USD. Especially when the chicken consists mostly of parts I have never seen before on a chicken. In fact, very few things should cost $10USD in your country. Your immigration office is a portable.
And cigarettes should not cost one-tenth of said chicken curry. This pricing scheme will ensure a delightfully skinny population, but will also cause rampant lung cancer. And I doubt anyone is "beating" lung cancer in your country for awhile.
5. Get your priorities straight.
The two cleanest, most expensive buildings in your country should not be churches.
They should be hospitals (I did not see a hospital the whole time by the way). Also, you should not be known for having the second largest Jesus statue in the world until you have at least one factory.
6. You cannot have ferries leave "early".
We tried to go to this island off the coast on this once-a-week ferry. Our ticket said 9am. We got there at 845am, surprised to see the ferry already sailing towards the island. The ferry "official" shrugged at our incredulous shouting and exasperated watch pointing and told us that, "ferry sometimes leave early. leave when full." It wasn't full however, because we weren't on it. So the next goddamned week, we got there even earlier. People on the dock recognized us and urged us to start running. We did. We jumped on board as it was taking off. They had to open some special sealed door for us to get inside the ferry. Everyone was amused by our stupidity. I looked at my watch. It was 8:32am.
Aside from all the cynicism, East Timor is a really beautiful place with really friendly people. The UN is leaving in 2012 and no one knows what is going to happen, so try to go before then if you want to see it.
