Attention!

My God, Russia is funny. I love this country. The women all look like prostitutes from the early 1990's and the men all look they're from those old music videos where they had big, synchronized dance fights. Everyone has mullets and pointy shoes, techno pumps from every car and drinking time starts after you brush your teeth in the morning. Russian guys would actually be pretty terrifying (they travel in packs and are never without large beer bottles) if they weren't usually sporting hangbags and fancy belts.
I arrived in Russia via train from Mongolia. In my cabin were a quiet Mongolian woman, a very talkative Mongolian man, a wiry Finnish woman, and me. The Mongolian man, whose name was Gorgie, was one of those people who felt the need to fill any silence with some sort of conversation. Unfortunately for me, this train ride was around 36 hours long. Eventually, he had exhausted every stream of conversation and would just spout random words at me like, 'Canada', 'Newfoundland' (he had been in an airport there), 'Canucks', or on one occasion, 'Money, money, money,Scaaaaaaaaat' (This was how he pronounced my name).There is no way to reply to these kind of outbursts. Despite Gorgie, the train ride was alright and the scenery crossing Mongolia into Siberia was pretty cool.
The Finnish woman started off as pretty cool but I slowly realized how batshit insane she was. Apparently our destinies were interwined as she was staying in the same hostels I was and had the same itinerary I did for at least 5 days. During these 5 days, she either didn't change out of a yellow puma t-shirt and fishing vest or she had 5 sets of this unlikely outfit. She also didn't stop talking and had seemed to enjoy offending every normal person we encountered, isolating herself, and, by proximity, me. It's not like losing someone in Eastern Siberia is exactly easy either. She eventually met up with a friend of hers and this allowed me to slip away unnoticed.
Siberia is pretty amazing. I stayed for 2 days on an island in Lake Baikal, the deepest lake in the world and what felt like the coldest. This island had some of the best scenery I have ever seen. I met some fat Russian women through this old French guy who translated for me and they drowned me in vodka. They were very jolly and gave me lots of food and we had a good time. Near the end of the night however, the fatter one handed me this dried up fish. I asked her what she wanted me to do with it. They explained to me that you just eat it. Like, the whole thing. So I did, and was of course sick for almost all of the following day. What made it worse was that the French guy had left another one of these fish by my pillow for breakfast. Not a good sight to wake up to with a bad hangover.
After Eastern Siberia, I jumped on a 55 hour train ride westward in 3rd class, which is quite the experience. Everyone is working-class Russian and its very sweaty. Twice a day I would go to one of the only two open windows and have a 'fresh air shower'. I had an old Russian woman across from me and an older, dull Russian couple above me. The old woman had gold teeth and scowled at everything I did. I was terrified of her. I pretty much sat with my hands in my lap for the first 6 hours. One time during the trip she gave me this impossibly creepy smile to which I didn't know whether to smile back or just cower under my blanket. She also got up (and I counted) 3 times in 55 hours. This lack of fresh air showers made her very smelly. After the first night I met an Aussie couple in the next car and so the rest of the trip was a little more social. Apparently, their train companions included a guy who was just let out of a Siberian prison after 14 years for murdering someone, and an angry looking drug addict who, by the looks of him, had definitely not kicked the habit. I met the murderer and he was pretty nice but was so scary I couldn't look at him. All in all, old 'goldie fangs' in my compartment didn't seem so bad anymore. The drug addict would later glare at me consistently for being around this Russian girl he was in love with and apparently told some of the other Russians that he was going to rob me blind.
Through the female half of the Aussie couple, who spoke Russian, we met some of the less criminal Russians on the train as well. There was a school group from Siberia heading to the Ukraine for English camp. Although it felt a lot like I was back in Japan speaking caveman English to kids, we had some fun playing charades and such. One of the older kids, Pavel, was awesome. He knew quite a lot of English and wasn't afraid to use it. He would precede any sentence with a firm, 'Attention!' so that people would listen to him. He would do this even if no one was talking. If someone failed to heed this warning, he would follow it with 'Stop talking now!' Anyways, so we were playing charades and when you play charades with Russian students who don't really speak English and Australians (who tend to have a limited vocabulary unless it's to do with strange animals native only to Australia), guessing the answers is very easy. Things like 'bird', 'car', 'kangaroo' and 'hello' don't take too long to figure out. So when it was my turn, Pavel leaned over to me and, with a very smug smile on his face, whispered in my ear:

Pavel: Attention.
Bouche:You're whispering in my ear, you already have my attention.
P: I have good one.
B: Ok.
P: Little crocodile (Immediately bursts into excited giggles).
B: What?
P: Do little crocodile.
B: Really? That's it?
P: Yes Yes! They never get it.
B: Alright.
(Pavel waits with eyes wide in anticipation. He looks like he has to pee).
(I do a gesture for little)
Aussie guy: Small!
Aussie girl: Little!
(I give the thumbs up. Do a gesture for crocodile)
Aussie girl: Um, mouse trap!
(Pavel cannot contain his glee at this point)
Aussie guy: Alligator!
Aussie girl: Crocodile!
(I nod, gesture them to put it together)
Aussie guy: (A little sceptically) Little crocodile?
P: I don't believe it! He do it!

I've never seen someone with such a deflated look before. I felt bad. I think little crocodile was his little parlour trick he used whenever he played charades and I think I ruined it for him. He didn't talk much after that.
So then I went to Yekaterinburg for a day and saw where the Romanovs were murdered during the Russian Civil War and other pleasant sights. After that I went to Kazan, the capital of the Tatars, makers of that delicious sauce. Now I'm in Moscow. It is very nice. Ok, enough for now.

Bouche

P.S. All I've eaten in over a week is sausage, bread, cucumbers and beer. These 4 things are so cheap it's silly not to buy them. Not feeling so hot though.