Ok, that was a bad joke. Well, after diving in Koh Tao we headed south to Koh Samui, which is a horrible place. At first I thought it was pretty good. The beach was alright and it was quasi topless, which was very fun. I learned immediately that having sunglasses on a topless beach is a huge asset. Without them, you are the creepy, bearded Canadian at the back of the beach with a perverted gleam in his eye who tries to pretend he is looking at some fascinating object at the end of his foot every time you catch him looking at you. With them, you are the cool guy who may or may not be taking a mental picture of you. Koh Samui is a huge Euro resort however, which drastically affects its appeal. Numerous times I saw two figures in the distance, one with a bikini, the other with just the bottoms, walking towards me. I prepared my sunglasses in anticipation, only to realize that I was checking out some slender European man with a fucking Speedo on. Every European man we saw wore a Speedo. It was horrible. We also went to a Muay Thai kickboxing match, which was ok. We realized that it wasn't that important of a match though when we entered a high school gym and there were maybe 20 Thais in the whole place. The heavyweights were literally 120 lbs and were 15 years old. It was a little disturbing having young Thai boys fight each other for my entertainment. I felt dirty. Also, I think there are more prostitutes in Koh Samui per capita than anywhere else in the world. We went to some clubs and there were no white girls. It was all Thai girls and Western guys. Some of them aren't prostitutes, they are just Thai girls who like Western guys, but it’s hard to tell the difference. I discovered that the girls who actually paid attention to me while I drunkenly swaggered around the bar, sloppily grinning at everyone I saw were prostitutes. The others were just regular Thai girls. Lady boys are also very aggressive in Samui. They figure that if they grab your genitalia hard enough and with enough frequency, you will like them. At first I tried to explain why a relationship would never take place between us, but that just encouraged more grabbing so I just started running whenever I saw them.
After Samui, we went to Phi Phi, which is the nicest place I have ever been to. It's where they filmed "The Beach" and its ridiculous. We had a good crew of Canadians, English, and Irish and partied pretty good till about 9am most nights. Everyone is very good looking there however, so Trav and I didn't really fit in. That relates to our slightly unreasonable dislike of Scandinavians, or "Scandies" as we have labeled them. They are too good looking. They also have stupid accents but it’s mostly the looks. We also hate Israelis but that's because they think they own the show in Thailand.
After about a week in Phi Phi, we headed down to Malaysia for a couple days, which was pretty cool. Lots of phallic shaped buildings and cheap markets. We were there for 4 days and tried to go to the ultra-phallic twin towers everyday but we couldn’t get in. The first day we were too late, the second day was a Monday so it was obviously closed, the third day we realized that we needed tickets and didn’t have any, and the fourth day they were sold out. I left truly hoping a terrorist incident would kill everyone in the building. The rest of Kuala Lumpur was cool and it was refreshing going 4 days without a beer. Apparently, Muslims aren’t the party going people everyone makes them out to be so booze is quite expensive and no one smiles.
We are now in Bangkok, doing some shopping and other touristy things. We met up with most of the crew from Phi Phi so going to bed at about 9am is becoming more and more normal. I think I'm actually back on Vancouver time. We are headed to Cambodia in a couple days so I'm looking forward to that. I'm also getting better at bartering. The trick is to have no desire whatsoever in the item you are bartering for. I point out these things to Trav that are so stupid no one would want them but the Thai guy selling it thinks I'm interested. So he will knock the price down over and over again, basically bartering with himself while I try to figure out a way to get the hell out of there without seeming rude. Its even worse if you shake their hand because they don’t let go and then you're holding hands with this Thai guy on the street while he's frantically dropping the price of this thing you want nothing to do with. So, of course now I have all this stuff I hate but I did get really good deals.
Oh, I need to rant. I fucking hate the dirty, middle-aged hippy travelers who think they are better than everyone just because of their filth and random local they have permanently attached to their hemp bag. I mean, these people were persecuted their whole lives because of their lack of hygiene and odd behaviour and now that they are traveling they figure it makes them better than anyone who actually has a clean shirt. These people must go back to wherever the hell they came from (the Netherlands in most cases I'm assuming. God I hate the Dutch) dirtier and weirder than ever before and have to either go back traveling or kill themselves. Alright, that's enough; it's time for noon food.
BOUCHE
P.S. I don't know what they put in the booze here but its weird. I woke up at 4pm today clean-shaven with 5 new books and a fresh haircut.
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