A Nammy Named Name.

Vietnam is awesome. Kicks the shit out of Thailand. We are getting pretty spoiled here for everything. Big, clean rooms with A/C, HBO, two beds, hot water, and a fridge cost 6 bucks a night. Food is really cheap and beer is around 30-50 cents or 8,000 Dong (Trav insists on calling them Dingos, I figure Dong is about as funny a name for a currency you can hope for). People are, in general, less concerned with ramming useless crap down your throat and it’s a lot cleaner than Thailand.
We started off in Saigon and I got into the Christmas spirit by giving my digital camera to some nice local man. And by giving my digital camera to some nice local man I mean turning my head for two seconds while my camera was taken off the computer desk I was on by some little fucker. It was literally a foot away from me. I guess I should have wondered why the creepy little Vietnamese guy (or Nammies as we call them) with shifty eyes was standing right beside me saying "Hello" over and over into a phone that didn’t work while staring at my camera. I'm not too observant. Anyways, I bought a new one and if I lose this one I will be taking mental pictures for the rest of the trip. Saigon was really cool though. We ate some cobra and drank its blood and stuff. Asian people always say that any food I eat is good for me. I don't think I've eaten one unhealthy piece of food yet. The cobra was good for me, as was its blood and raw heart, deep fried spring rolls are good for me, coke is good for me occasionally, cobra wine is great for maintaining erections (this is usually said by a creepy motobike driver who chuckles as he tells you this and then offers to take you to a boom-boom bar). Pretty much anything they've killed on the street, deep-fried in dirty oil and left for flies to enjoy is an essential part of a healthy lifestyle. Asian people also like to nod and smile whenever they don't understand you. After many wrong directions and frequently getting the wrong food in restaurants, I have learned to test them. If they nod and smile, I ask them a weird question like, "Would you mind if I ate your baby?". If they nod and smile again I know that there is actually not a bathroom on the bus and I should probably take a piss before I get on.
We decided to do a tour of the Mekong Delta for a couple days, which was not the greatest decision. We chose a place that was actually called "Happy-Happy Happy Tours". That was their sign. They were fucking ecstatic about everything. We figured that their happiness was a good sign and went with them. For the next two days all we saw was garbage, gift shops, and the inside of a van. Our tour guide was this little nammy who screamed at us to get on the bus, get off the bus, buy a drink, and that there was no time to go to the washroom, all with a massive grin on his face. I have no idea what he was so goddamed happy about, the tour was horrible. The only good part was the home stay, which the happy idiots had no control over. We were to stay at some local's house and just hang out there for dinner and sleep until the morning. The guy met us at a gas station and walked us over to his boat. This is our conversation:

Bouche: Hey, how's it going?
Name: (Nod and smile) What is your name?
B: Scott.
N: Stoc?
B: Not really, but you can call me Stoc. No one else though ok?
N:(Nod and smile)
B: What is your name?
N: Name.
B: Yes, you, what is your name?
N: (Points to himself) Name.
B: (Sigh) OK, my name is Stoc, what is your name?
N: Name.
B: You're a strange little person aren't you?
(Moment of silence)
N: My name is Name.
B: Ohhhhhhhhh, fuck. How unfortunate for you.
N: (Nod and smile)
B: You should get a nametag.
(Enthusiastic nod and smiles all around)

The home stay was cool but the next day Happy-Happy Happy tours were at the helm again and it was back to seeing the beautiful filth and wanting to kill myself.
Then we were off to Dalat, which is in the highlands. On the trip up there, we had this Nammy sitting behind us who insisted on singing to every crap song the bus driver played on the radio. When he broke out, "I can't liiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvveee if living is without you", my iPod battery ran out and I wanted to kill him. After singing he broke open a pack of dried fruit and decided that the white people around him wouldn't survive the trip unless they ate the majority of his huge sack of fruit. As I kept trying to sleep, he kept on shoving this bag in my face and found it hilarious when I told him I was full. All in all, I wasn't in a good mood when we arrived in Dalat. Dalat was awesome though, kinda like Whistler without the snow and French-Canadians. It was actually kinda cold so it made Christmas feel a little more normal.
The six of us (Trav and I plus two Saskatchewan guys who are wicked and two Vietnamese-Canadian girls who got really annoying and are in the process of being ditched. We tried to pawn them off onto these Aussie guys but they weren't as dumb as their accents would suggest and the girls were sent right back) went to a massage place which was kinda weird. After recounting what each of our massages consisted of, we agreed that I had a very different massage than everyone else. It wasn't a dirty massage and there was nothing sexual but it was very different. I won't get into it now but there was more than one girl, they had no problem peeking down my shorts or patting my ass and they really, really liked my chest hair. We got pretty drunk Christmas Eve and it's kinda blurry. We also started to chant USA! USA! USA! whenever we do something obnoxious or stupid, as to not sully Canada's reputation.
After Dalat we went down to Mui Ne, a beach town that has, much to my surprise, real desert sand dunes. It was here that I realized that I have no appetite in Asia. I just don't really need to eat. So I decided to see how long I could go with out food. I made it 48 hours before I started to get sleepy and realized how dumb fasting is. But I wasn't that hungry. I did eat some cashew nuts one night but promptly puked them up on a restaurant floor when Brett challenged me to a pitcher-chugging contest. I did it in four seconds and it only cost me 75 cents and a substantial amount of self-respect. Another reason Vietnam is great is after puking on the floor in a crowded restaurant, the waitress just smiled and offered me another pitcher. This whole ordeal, of course, was followed by the USA chant.
We headed north to Nha Trang, which is a pretty big party town so we spent New Year's there. Nha Trang would be a really nice city if it wasn't for all the whores and garbage. It has a beach, beautiful mountains, a river, and even some hot springs. You can't go anywhere though without seeing, hearing, or being offered sex with hookers. Brett went to get a haircut in a barbershop and they refused to cut his hair. They first offered him a "massage". He said he'd rather have a haircut. They gave him a confused look and offered him a motobike ride. He pointed to the row of barber chairs and combs, scissors, etc. and they offered another "massage". It took him awhile to actually find someone willing to cut his hair. I tried to get a motobike and the guy offered me weed, boom-boom, and then marijuana just in case I didn't know what weed was. I asked if he could take me to the post office and he looked at me like I was a pervert. New Year's was really fun though. We took over the bar and grabbed bottles of tequila from the stunned bartenders and started giving everyone free shots. A similar thing happened with the champagne. The New Year was rung in with us shouting the USA chant.
Anyways, we're heading up to North Vietnam and then Laos. I'll put some more pictures up soonish. I hope there were some good New Year's stories back home.


BOUCHE


P.S. All the garbage cans in Vietnam are in the shape of penguins. I don't get why garbage cans have to be in the shape of an animal, why the penguin was chosen for the job, and what the hell penguins have to do with Vietnam anyways. But I don’t like it.