Back in the City That Never Bathes.

So after Luang Prabang the Saskies had to go back to Thailand and Trav and I went north to a really little town. Since Laos doesn't really have a regular trucking service, the bus system picks up the slack and delivers packages for people. This is really annoying as the driver is making more deliveries than a Catholic doctor in Ireland and you constantly have produce invading your personal space. The town we went to was pretty sweet and only had electricity from 6pm to 10pm, which made for some very early nights. Our bungalow cost $1 a night and was run by this lady named Mama. Mama really really liked money and insisted that we eat every meal at her place. We tried to find someplace else to eat one day and she spotted us and actually hit me. She made us come back to her place and eat twice the amount of food we had planned on eating. She would demand I drink beer at all hours of the day and would get angry at guests when they left if their bill wasn't big enough. Before this, I had also managed to avoid squatting a deuce in a squat toilet the whole trip. I was stuck and had no idea how to do it and managed to miss the toilet and spent a significant amount of time cleaning up.
After that town the rest of Northern Laos was pretty boring. The people traveling here were really stupid as well. For some reason, when people travel, they seem to feel the need to inform everyone that will listen about their idiot opinions that they have taken from a newspaper or recent documentary. We had to overhear this "debate" some Euros were having for like an hour. Memorable quotes included, "I really think corporations are bad and stuff. They like, exploit people," and "But what about Bush? He is like, so dumb. He loves oil a lot and kills people for it". In the end they agreed to disagree and I would have much rathered they agree to shut the fuck up but they started another one. Anyways, we did a little trek and found out a lot about the Akha tribe people. These people will eat anything. Small birds, geckos, dogs, cats, slow moving children. Anything that has any sort of meat on it will be hunted and eaten by these people. It is kind of disturbing playing with a cute little dog for awhile, only to find out he will soon be on a plate next to some sticky rice and veggies. The men in these villages are living large by the way. The women and children work all day in the fields while the men sit around and, until recently, smoke opium. Then the women come home and give them a massage and cook dinner. The men do absolutely nothing. We talked to the chief for a while about his lifestyle and he had the biggest grin on his face the entire time. If he weren’t so small and dirty I would have envied him.
Complaining about the buses in SE Asia is as useless as complaining about the rain in Vancouver but the one from Laos to Thailand was especially bad. They (as usual) overloaded the bus as much as they could and the fucker sitting next to me was eating these sausages that must have been made from some cancer-ridden dog and his latest bowel movement. Then they pumped some Laos music that sounded like an old women gasping her last breath accompanied by an instrument that could have only been invented from someone who had been smoking opium all day. The bus took this jungle path for 195km and it took 9 hours. That’s just over 20km/h. I was terrified the entire trip.
Then we were back in Thailand and we met up with the Saskies again and my friend Megan from back home. We had some good times, watched the superbowl at 6am and managed to finish 12 beers before 12pm. Then we took a drunk bus ride up to this hippie town called Pai and hung out there for a bit. Highlights included watching some guy getting taken down by the Army for some drug trafficking and watching a St. Bernard hump a small Japanese woman. Now, when a regular dog humps someone's leg, it's sort of cute cause the dog is getting it all wrong and everyone laughs. When a St. Bernard humps a small Japanese woman, its not cute cause the dog does it in the right spot and pretty much rapes her. His was breathing in her ear. I tried to get a picture but he didn't fool around with foreplay and was finished before I could get the camera out.
Back in Chiang Mai we met up with Trav's friend Alana and hit the town. We met a Thai lady pimp and her cronies and they took us to a bar they frequented. Trav and I had to share a motorbike with a lady boy prostitute and I talked with the lady pimp the whole night about how many people she owned. So a good night all around. We made our way down through Thailand and are now back in Bangkok.
Apparently they have Sizzler in Bangkok, which is awesome. They don't have all the same stuff we did and they have weird dishes like quail eggs, but its still good. This is what I imagine was going through the waitress's head when we showed up:

Waitress: Oh god, white people. We better get another cook on.
W: "Hello and welcome to Sizzler"
Bouche: "Oh my God! I can't believe they have Sizzler!"
W: "Um, yes. Come this way please"
(We sit down and commence eating. Bouche is on his 3rd plate)
W: (In Thai) holy Buddha, that big guy is disgusting.
Waitress #2: We're out of pasta again and a few people have complained
about the white people."
W1: "I know, that guy pushed some little kid out of his way"
W2: "Americans are so obnoxious"
W1: "How do you know they're American?"
W2: "They were chanting USA, USA, USA earlier"
W1: "Oh god he's coming over"

B: "Hey you guys need bigger plates, all this walking back and forth kinda
sucks"
W1: (In Thai) "Is that egg in his beard?"
W2: (Giggles)
B: "Oh you like the beard eh? You Asian girls are all right. Hey some egg.
W1: (In Thai) "Why do white backpackers always grow gross beards?"
W2: "I don’t know, why don't they shower?"
(1-hour passes, we are leaving)
W1:"Thank you for coming to Sizzler"
B: " We had a Sizzler once but it's gone now. Never let it go, ever.
Promise me."
Trav: "Hurry the fuck up Bouche, we're missing the movie."
B: (In a whisper) "Never let it go"
W1: "God I hate white people."

Anyways, this is probably the last email I'll send out as we're coming back in a couple weeks and all we have planned is sitting around on a beach and shopping. I'm home for 3 months and then going to Japan for a year to teach those short little bastards how to talk English good. Ok, enjoy watching Olympic hockey you bastards.

Bouche